Transient being. My moon in a sunbeam. I dream about you… yet my memories. Absent sleep. Killing me deep. Valium. No longer keeps me neat. I wake up each morning, raging, realizing you’re sent from, you’ve been sent for, Lord, I can still scent your, coconut in the wind. Tasting bronzer tint in your cheeks.

Eclipsing. Glitter kiss contemplates, while in terror gates I bathe. Prayer interrogates. Layered trails of separation, trials and gods whim. It’s sick. All, of it is. Whimsical roundabouts, swings used to sing pretty hymns. Their empty discords linger in fragments, dormant unison. Diseased repercussion. I’m thinking.

King. Without his queen. Snapshots of future scenes, back when I could have made a difference. Morphine. It’s nothing. Addicted to your image. Imprints in my lids. Envisaging stillborn lineage. My tongue is acid. Soliloquies within. Scathing epitomes, no amount of stranger sympathy will bring you back to me. Attacks start from scratch, no longer free. Panic stays.

I stagger, stray. Numb. Into another fractured day. And she breaks, “every little earthquake”, sharp intake. Turmoil. Inner state. Violent brave. His blatant mistake. Cupid shoots for love, my bow loots for blasts, famous hate. Shattered arrows grate, graze, fading grey, can’t catch these poison waves.

I can’t sleep. Tears secrete secretly. Meeting ducts, crumbs succumb alone. Gathering records, if I was a wreck before… So I tight shut, trust, my eyes in a dark glow of street floors. Horizons away, you stay, can’t hear you say, I love you, living away from here. Razor blades, marshy grass. Another hazy sphere. Separate, yet so near. Since you passed, ain’t a thing hear clear. Past. Tensed. Absent tenders. Immense surrender.

Pain. Too vast to articulate. It accumulates. Infuriates. In a frenzy, emotions blend me. Bend me, Allah ni marzi taking her life like it’s farz, this angel defends me. I’m lucifer maybe. Lucid crazy. It’s something, it’s nothing, it’s numbness. Berating ashy shakes, medics and their late brains.  They hate veins. Waiting, weighting dust. Amplified oblivion living in my blood, cells, mediating ways to avoid seven kinds of hell, wrapped in a rotting shell I’m flustered, rustling hustlers to dig up some wells. Tolling bells, justice for just us then, well done, death sells.

Rhythms beating fast, break neck lasts. Touching seams, kissing cheeks, ripped seeds. Speed at which we reap needs. We’re all waiting for this dream to reveal a humour most esteemed. Practice test lends itself to smoke screens, unforgiven misdemeans, deeds read like dead seas, regressing. I wake up. Screaming. Unrefreshed. Human regrets. Progression steams ahead leaving me be.

You are my breath and I’m not sure you knew. Without you. Days, weeks, months, years, too few and in between. Weak. Can’t wake you from this deep, do you bleed in another plane or do you remain unscathed, bathed in rainbow frames? In sane untamed. It’s not the same. Wrapped in white. Pink petals scattered against the sleep written in your skin. Allocated space. Sheen in frozen grace so I’m told, I prefer the hum in your happy grin, more precious than,

Handmade wedding gold. Watching you grow beautifully, age serenely, but you lie in the worst kind of morbid cold, stuck inside sadness, grief is our broken home, emptiness echoes up in this brick-built casketry while you’re a  cornerstone in a designated cemetery… How is it I could always read your fate, but never my own?

Your red takes my breath, stained, strained, I sway, you lay in suspender pain, I would take your place a thousand times as they drip you fake saline rain.

Each tube filled, twisted, listed, misted into messy roller coaster games. Uncontrollable cavities cascading, raising up and falling, aiding deventilated veins.

Rehydrating mistakes, sixteen hours too late, your breathing difficult, shallow, laboured, your beautiful face is glazed… an oxygen mask masks, hides, and diagnoses a fatal malaise.

Dismayed. Blistering burns, lace your smooth soft skin, pointing to unremedied septics, raging infections multiplying within. Unfailing indestructibility compromised, antibodies are being destroyed, emotions played upon by dark angels, deranged arrangement, plagued, voided, toyed.

There’s no collaboration in this twilight, your silent sunset approaches… Even the medication isn’t coping… unable to numb, stun, contain your hurt, we’re left with solemn hoping, quiet reflection and all the while Azrael flirts.

Your strong unwavering voice grazes, gasps, rasps, even faith escapes. Hazing yellow I kiss your cheek and whisper, you acknowledge my final wave, Be Strong I lipped, but it was deemed to be our final day. Ordained. His final say. Forsaking in dimmed light, poisoned by too many toxins, treacherous biting, hindsight, foresight, reciting.

Dazed. Crazed. Dawn breaks for us before first prayer, maximum medication appears to fail all avenues of critical care: consultations conclude the inconclusive virus is far too rare. Livid. Spare. Shock.

Fits of tears drop like igneous rocks.

Lost.

Request to acquiesce, consent denied for blue light fares, godly truths or satanic dares, scattering particles neither here nor there… It ends with rejecting resuscitation when you pass into the next phase, you rapidly continue to, continue to, continue to, fade, you melt into illumination we are forbidden to share… all of us trapped in stagnant magnetised limbo lair.

Memory. Sensory. Trajectory. Anaesthetised. Asleep. Your spirit, essence, your you disappearing into an invisible periphery only you can see.

I wish I could change how I feel, divert you from slipping away. Sedated consciousness, machinery deep, your heart beat ebbing clay. My soul fragments, breaks, shatters,,,, at the end of each and every, each and every, each and every single day.

I wait, and I pray, and I stay, for a way, to lay, my head by your hand again.

How can that be love?  That’s what hurts most of all.

A bit of mascara and eyeliner.  I can mask the swollen eyes with the trendy smoky look.  Who would ever know?  Everyone tells me I’m beautiful.  If they knew I was broken inside.

Proceeding to be heartless, promises are just not meant to be spoken from your lips.  Singing me songs in the wind, your voice melts my soul.  Your heart beats in my ears, explodes through your chest with every rise, and fall of your breath.

I cried, until I fell asleep.  I must have, I don’t recall, since I only remember waking up.